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The second personality is the PARENT. The parent reflects things that have been taught. Here's my analogy of the mind. The mind is like a refrigerator. You put all the fresh stuff up front and you keep shoving stuff to the back. And when you can't shut the refrigerator door, you don't throw out the stuff in front, you look in the back and that stuff wrapped in foil and ask, what the blazes is that and you open it up and it's rainbow colors and you throw it out! The same happens with a lot of what we learn. I bet we have forgotten much more that we remember. Your refrigerator also has a freezer where we store certain information and memories, like how we were raised ,etc.. Let's thaw something out of your refrigerator.
Can you remember the best teacher that you every had? Face, name, subject or grade? Make a list of the qualities that made that teacher for the very best teacher that you ever had. I bet the list would include things like: cared about you, interested in the subject, loved what they did, had a sense of humor, discipline was tough but fair, patient, compassionate, listened.
Right?? Now think of the worst teacher you ever had! These characteristics come back much quicker. Things like: didn't like kids, beats work for a living, discipline was chaotic, had favorites, mean, impatient, etc. right?
Now is this not true. What each both these teachers actually taught you, you remember very little of, but who that teacher was and the environment of the classroom is what you remember most!
The same is true of you. Who you are and the environment that your set is what people will remember about you. Just like your best/worst teachers, because you remembered them, didn't you? People are going to remember you for something, it's your choice for what!
Third personality is the ADULT. The adult personality doesn't say yes or no, but rather says, let's go SLOW! Let's think about it. The adult reflects thought. So we have the child with emotions, the parent with what we've been taught and the adult that reflects thought. Guess where ethics fit in? The adult personality of course. Ethics should make us think about our choices before we do anything to see if there's a consequence for that decision. One must always consider what I call the PTP Factor in ethics. That is, what's the Price To Pay for what you want to do and if you can't pay then you should walk away. There is an absolute in life that's just like gravity and it's what goes around comes around!!! If you have a short memory, always tell the true. The adult personality is the hand on the steering wheel that controls your emotional car. It is REASON that must make the decision, not emotions. Go slow, think about it! If you've seen the news today or have read a newspaper, which personality do you see more of Child or adult? The child of course and yet, we realize that we can't live our lives on the basis of emotions, but only on reason or the adult.
Ethics and logic tell us that it is the adult that has a greater chance of leading us to an ethical decision than the other two, yet it is probably the least used. What could that tell us about our training and decision making?
The "H" in ethics is for Hindsight. What does the past tell us about the present that can affect tomorrow? There are a couple of things that hindsight teaches me. First, when you go out into the world learn to listen with your eyes and not your ears! People may lie to you with the spoken word, they may lie to you with the written word, but how people treat you is indicative of what they think of you. Listen with your eyes!!!! Second is from the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin. He wrote how to live like a rational human being in 1726. Here's his four points.
1. It is necessary for me to be extremely frugal for some time ,till I have paid back what I owe them.
2. To endeavor to speak truth in every instance; to give nobody expectations that are not likely to be answered, but aim at sincerity in every word and action - the most amiable excellence in a human being.
3. To apply myself industriously to whatever business I take in hand and not divert my mind from my business by any foolish project of growing suddenly rich-for hard work and patience are the surest means of plenty.
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Copyright © 2003, Frank Bucaro
Copyright © 2003, The Negotiator Magazine